Bi Polar

This country - hold that - this world seem so full of diagnoses, self pity, and illness. Self inflicted or otherwise. You can WEBMD.COM your symptoms, you can grant yourself "depression", and you can limp. (I dare you to read that metaphorically, and then analytically and look at the difference, by the way.)

I'm not suggesting I have something. But I think perhaps I have tendencies in a certain direction at the moment, and perhaps the situation could be remedied by following a certain, well, remedy.

I have nights where I'll lay in bed and feel completely accomplished. Not in life, not in matters of business of financials, just in the sense that I did all I possibly could today; filling every moment with productivity, creative thought, etc. It's with that satisfaction that I mosy off to sleep.

...Only wake to a day where I can't seem to find a direction to begin in. I'm losing ammo by firing aimlessly into a crowd and I just spin, dizzily, onto the floor where I weep until the sun goes down. There is no clarity in my mind on days like this. Maybe its a synesthesia thing, maybe it's..whatever. At any rate, there is no feelings of "depression", or hills and valleys like in traditional bi-polar disorder. It's almost just as if my focus is bi-polar...

He loves me. I can see it in the little spark at the pit of his deep brown iris. I can see it when he holds his stare a little longer, a little deeper; memorizing everything. I know the symptoms well, I've seen them many a time before, and I feel awful about it.

Guess what. I don't have a heart left to give.

Funeral Thoughts

Me and my funeral thoughts...

Riddle me this batman. Everyone always says "Ohhhh I wonder who would show up to my funeral if suddenly I were to die wah wah wah"

Well.

I KNOW for a FACT my line would be out the door. Everyone and their brother would have "known" me, or had a class with me, or worked with me, or danced with me, EVERYONE.

But who is actually there for me. Who can I call and cry to. It's those people I want to seek out. It's THOSE people i want to do something dramatic and DIE to seek out.

Why don't I know them?

Suicide

When a person commits suicide,

they are robbing their soulmate, of their soulmate.

Adult vs. Child

So for ages, my question has been: Am I crazy or are they?

I know I don't process things the same as most people in this society.
I know my critical thinking leads to a destination that most just don't go to.

Is that my error or theirs? Is it an error?
I had determined, to each his own. We've all lived our own experiences.
My childhood and upbringing has been significantly different than most.

So then, that makes sense. I've been thinking like an adult since Age 9.
Of course I'll come to different conclusions than the children I'm surrounded by.

For a while I was convinced of that. But why is it then - that even some of these adults,
are not actually behaving like adults?

I think I've honestly come to a rather harsh - seemingly prideful - but honestly humble - conclusion that it's really a difference in smart or not smart.

I think there's a bit of wisdom and knowledge that I've sponged up, that others just seem to be disinterested in.

I'm just not interested in letting the real world smack me in the face. I'd much rather smack IT in the face before it even expects me.

Rock.

Battery

I've had an interesting analogy in my head lately that I've been working on analyzing and seeing through as a full thought.

I recently replaced the battery on my cute little old as the dickens macbook.
I replaced the battery because I acted on assumption that it's refusal to hold a charge was the cause of it's demise.
Once the battery was replaced, I learned it was the charger that had really gone sour.
The source of power, not the warehouse of power, is what was hurt.

With all these fancy apple products, someone once told me it's best for the life of the device (and the battery of the device) to charge it full, and then let it die. Never letting it sit on a charger for too long, and never letting it rest "dead" for too long - But always letting it go from one extreme to the next.

And now that I've prefaced this whole bit quite thoroughly, I'd like to challenge you.
I feel like a battery. I feel like I need to recharge to 100% - but not a drop more. And then completely exude all power within me until I am - theoretically - dead. The cycle continues as I disallow myself to remain "dead" too long, and rather, recharge to 100%. I can't let myself only recharge 50%. I can't recharge myself before I give 50% either. Full, Whole, Healthy - Extreme.

We take care of our apple products so well, but let's work on ourselves, too!

Fame

The only thing I know for certain about fame, is that it is synonymous with alone.