As recounted to a friend on 3/25/13

 

Okay so, I was leaving my boyfriend's house, when my car broke down because it was time for service.

 

My car rudely blurted out “please head immediately toward Ramsey, New Jersey for your car servicing”.

 

I of course, was late for work so ,totally upset, and then confused at the fact that my car was literally driving itself in the opposite direction, toward Ramsey, New Jersey.

 

Besides in the opposite direction, it was additionally in a direction I had thought to be a dead end road. My car finally crunked to a hault, and I got out, only to find myself in a very out of place “Meca”. Burger Kings, Barnes & Nobles, literally a city in the middle of what had just been a rural area. I soon recognized it the Community College’s dormitory and surrounding area.

 

So weird. So cramped. I tried to just walk back toward my car, and found myself walking amongst a zillion students. I had some sort of dysfunction or disability that was not allowing me to walk. One of those indefined dream moments…Similar to the fact that my car wouldn’t move forward, or in the right direction, I myself couldn’t move forward, or in (what I thought) was the right direction – TOWARD WORK! TOWARD HOME!

 

So, I turned and walked into the city.

 

I was found by a young man, tall in stature, brown hair. I vaguely remember his face.

He was funny looking, not quite grown into himself yet, but promised handsome.

He could tell I was lost, but still I told him I was trying to find my way.

He decided to help.

He lead me around all over the place, through hidden doors, underground tunnels, back streets, everywhere.

 

Through houses that I thought might be my boyfriends – that is after all, what I was trying to get back to –

 

But I was having fun with this person. He was calmly, discretely playful.

I felt like a weak, innocent damsel in distress. At one point, he picked me up to walk across SOMETHING that I don’t remember.

 

The way he scooped me like I weight two feathers……

Finally, this young man and I recognized the house we were in to my boyfriend's. The family we talked with was my boyfriend's.

My boyfriend's dad said “What’s he doing in my house?” and pointed to the young man.

Then I said “Alright, I’m late for work, bye!” and I left out the back door.

My car wasn’t there though, of course. So I came back in and kept talking with them.

 

But the young man wasn’t there anymore....

And I don’t remember anything more. I think I woke up…

/

Sometimes I want to
die so that someone
will see how much
goodness/madness
there was/is
within me/without me.

too good to be true

I don't believe in "too good to be true".
I believe in "so good, okay now let's make it true."

Update on Wellbeing, Part 2

Would it be okay if I started again?
back to the second layer of slightly deeper pink that I feel is covering my body.

I am pretty words put together that don't make sense.
I am silently walking with my head down, trying to stay out of the way.
I am sorry, that I am irritable, because I am wounded, because I have been struck.

I am heavy eyes
I am block
I am black


but simultaneously

I am hungry
I am thirsty
I am eager
I am thrilled

but i just..

can't...

...move.

There is too much weight. everywhere.

Update on Wellbeing

I tried to comfort myself yesterday by suggesting that the distinct scent of hotdogs was perhaps the residual scent of rowan, who may or may not have burped turkey chili in my general vicinity. It's plausible, right?

I am feeling like every centimeter of my skin has had the first layer of skin peeled off. Like, that deeper pink colored skin after you've accidentally peeled off live skin, is everywhere. Does that make sense? I'm so inarticulate in this moment. I hate that I chose the word centimeter. I chose centimeter because inch is cliche and millimeter smells funny, and reminds me of this strangely green tape measure I currently have tucked away in a drawer in a black credenza in my studio that should be paradise, but currently is war.

I think I misspelled credenza. I think I misspelled alot. I think I misspelled misspelled. Yikes.

Good God I'm so irritable lately. What is it, what is it!
I am openly admitting to being cranky and I'm trying to sort it all out.

Things I've noticed/Symptoms

I am increasingly sensitive to smells.
(Or at least, for sake of being super clear, I am seeing colors, hearing sounds or feeling textures that are making me so sure I am smelling certain scents. This could be a clue that I am hypersensitive at this moment to my synesthesia, which could mean I am feeling overloaded and overstimulated, which could end in red hot flowing lava billowing up and over and out of me.)

I will keep you posted.

SOUL

I see people every day who don't know their own soul. Who hide from it, who starve it, who even fear it. But I'm here to tell you there is no better health, no homeostasis like that of a stroked soul; plump with adoration, warm with delight.