This year's love

So I actually do have real-person feelings.

I'm glad for this realization. I suddenly feel much more alive and human. Much more "OK". Much more like it might be acceptable to let these tears that are burning behind my eyes...come out.

I can face these feelings. And for that, I feel strong.

Here's the thing though. It doesn't change the fact that you're gone. And as aware as I am that I just want to curl up in a ball and never get out of bed because of you, I'm also disgustingly aware of the fact that you are long gone, and never coming back. I cringe at the idea that I'll need to slowly burn through my day and face the numerous reminders of your existence.

And I cringe, because I know, I'm headed right back to the place I was before I met you. Unopen, deeply removed, and completely disbelieving in love, life and future.

I'm sorry.

My this has turned into a weapfest.