sometimes

things i wish would happen even though they never have and probably won't:

* When I'm working really late a friend will show up unannounced and bring a 6 pack and ask to help, not distract. With a six pack it's bound to be fun by the end anyway. My work isn't boring.

*When I'm cleaning the studio late into the night a friend will show up unannounced and grab windex and paper towels and say "how can I help?" It's really fun, I try to make it like a dance party, except I'm always alone.

*When I'm really sick my boyfriend would be selfless enough to come and see if I'm feeling okay. He doesn't have to stay long, I wouldn't want them to get sick. He could go back to work after five minutes, but being alone when you're sick is just the most awful thing on the planet.

*Someone would acknowledge how hard I work. Or how little I sleep in order to work that hard. Or how many meals I accidentally skip. Or that I'm only 22. Or that I relaly didn't get a regular childhood because I've been working like a slave since I was 9.

*That friends, who don't stay in touch or try to stay in touch, would stop saying they miss me, or stop mutually calling us bad friends. Instead, reach out every now and again. Please.

*That I would live long enough to meet a soul mate and have a wedding. I hope I can remember all the beautiful things that I want to happen at my wedding. I don't think I'll really have time to plan it well. I hope for that too - enough time to plan my wedding.

to name a few.

stand back.

Alright so I’m having the most shallow reaction of all time entirely at this moment and I can’t not write about it.

I’ve been seeing this wonderful man for close to a year. He is seriously, just, the best.

I feel as though you learn and grow and age you learn and grow and sort out who and what is best for you.

And certainly, he’s the closest I’ve come so far to exactly who I’d love to spend the rest of my life with.

Perhaps I have a hand in it as well, as I’ve learned how to communicate my needs in a much simpler way, etc.

But at any rate, I’m loving it.

 

Recently though, I’m feeling the 2 hour distance between us. I’m feeling my bed sheets as colder than ever.

I’m no longer feeling his embrace; instead I’m finding strange and foreign moments when I actually feel rather stale.

If it was stale alone, fine. It’ll go away or I’ll make him go away but either way I will move forward.

 

But I am doing the unheard of, I am feeling something so sinister…

…I miss my ex.

About three years ago I ended a two year relationship simply on the basis that I didn’t have the time that he needed.

Again with the 2 hour distance, it worked for me but it didn’t work for him, and when someone puts themselves in a position to be a stressor in my life they are quickly removed.

I loved him dearly, and he was the first person in my life that I would actually turn my brain off in front of.

Stop thinking, stop worrying, stop overanalyzing and simply be. Simply exist and soak up the love that he so readily devoted to me.

This man was also significantly larger than my new man. Stature, height, muscles, everything was just bigger.

The type of man who can scoop you up against your will (but secretly loving it) and squeeze you and stop you and hold you.

The type of man who’s arms you get lost in amidst a heavy-eyed sleepy cuddle session.

 

I miss those arms…