My God Life Just Fascinates Me

good god...life just fascinates me.

Wanna know what I love? I love seeing veins emerge on the surface of skin. Faces, forearms...do you realize what that means?

Particularly interesting is when there's very little physicality involved, when those veins bare their fangs, it means that blood is boiling. It means that the juice flowing within you has come alive...playing off the triggers going off in your head.

For me, my dance lived in my veins. My heart beat with the pulse of the music....such passion I'll probably never know again. Thinking that even for a few minutes, someone else might be quite passionate enough about something...their heart pumps just so...that their blood begins to race, excited with intention and purpose...

Excited with intention and purpose..

Shhhhhhh

Always cold.
white truffles curl themselves up around the rim
arched backs, let the acid seep out, loose.
Lungs fill, plump; salt.
Get up, head on.
dead in the eye.

Blue Skies

Funny little thought this morning...thank you in advance for having a sense of humor about it.

I've got a big ol' skylight above my bed, which eagerly serves as a gateway to the heavens, (and less hypothetically put, an alarm clock, a night light, a thought provoker...).
This morning I woke to bright blue skies. No whisps of white, just thick blue, like the second coat of paint. Four hours later and it's cloudy, drizzling and honestly pretty miserable outside. But for some reason, in my head, it's still sunny and blue. Pause and cock head, pretending to understand my six foot deep meaning. Fascinating how the first few thoughts upon reentering the conscious state can have such an uncanny impact on the state of your consciousness for the rest of that period. It's still blue, in my head. And I've got a smile on my face.

The truth is

The truth is, I gave my heart away a long time ago. My whole heart. And I never really got it back.

You always hear people warning young people not to fall in love too quickly; not to give their heart to the first person that smiles at them. "Wise man said....."

How naive am I? Not only did I give it away at...say...age 7...

But I didn't even give it to a someONE. I gave it to a someTHING. a someFEELING.

The love of my life is something untangible. I can't kiss him. I can't hold his hand. I can't lay next to him and daydream under the sunlight seeping in from the window on a lazy sunday afternoon.

And that's why I try to fill that whole with millions of someones.

I got my heart broken. The only thing more unstable than a young girl falling for the first young man she meets, is a young girl falling for something that can't hold her back.

In typing this out...I keep wanting to describe this something as "something that doesn't have a heartbeat". "Something with no blood in it's veins". "Something that can't love me back".

But it wouldn't be accurate to describe it that way. Because it absolutely has a heartbeat. And mine became one with it. Every beat of that music.....matched the flow of the blood racing through my veins, which is where that something lived. It loved me back...it loved me back and it gave me everything it had. It created me, it taught me how to grow up, taught me how to live, taught me how to be a friend, a sister, a woman.

And when it ripped itself out of my life, I found that it had become a very large part of who I was, what my soul was made up of. And when it was gone....so was I.

So who am I kidding, pretending I'm protecting myself and saving my love for someone. Making the order a tall one so that I'll have an excuse when it's never filled. It's because there is no love left...there is no heart left.

Funny Things

It's kind of funny. Kind of ironic.

We get on this extended constancy of adrenaline in a situation and we just feel so resilient.

Emotions are nothing, physicality is nothing, you are just riding the wave and enjoying it all the while.

Then the wave curls and crashes and slurps up in it's foam and luster, and down you go.

All the emotions that you've been unknowingly repressing, and all the effects on your body all hit you at once. You're not invincible, resilience cannot be constant.

A good friend of mine told me that if you hold too many hands, you won't feel the hand in yours anymore.

I'm so tired, my strength in resiliency has warn thin. It's been years and years of not letting go. Masking, capping, pretending; and ya know what? He was absolutely right. I don't even feel the breathe on my neck anymore. What I do feel, is warn out, and empty. I've given so many little pieces of myself up trying to protect the whole. It's not until after the fact that that physics and mathematics of it all set in. Guess what? We are just parts that make up a whole.

And that's how it is. Little pieces of me...scattered all over the place. And you can't get them back which makes it even worse, I countered what I was trying to accomplish in the first place.

In fact, I cannot bend without breaking. Resilience is on a timer, and I'm not invincible. I'm not incapable, I'm many pieces of a whole, and I cannot keep pretending.

Remember that change I knew was coming?

Bam.

Change

There's this funny smell in the air.


A little bit thick, a little bit white. Clean and symmetrical.
I'm having growing pains.

I can feel my old skin peeling off my shoulders. That's just my battle scars.

I'm restless, I am young, I am on the edge of my seat.


Spring is coming, and it is bringing guests.

Tiger Woods Ya'll

What an eye opening day, and it's only 9:40AM.

I've spent the weekend bopping around the upstate area, and subsequently got caught in the biggest snowstorm of the winter. Joy.
Joy Joy Joy.

I have missed school, automatically dropping my grade down to no-better-than-a-B.
I am missing my gym workout and dance workout - hate.
I am missing work- hate - but most imperative of all, and therefore - hate alot.

Here's the funny thing though;
Thanks to technology, I am able to do quite a bit of my work from right where I am. (Currently, in bed under 3 quilts, happy as a clam, typing away.) Being "stuck" somewhere, actually forces you to sit down and be productive because guess what, there is zero distraction and you are unable to make excuses to do other things. This literal "stuck", isn't something that can easily be imitated in the home-setting, as your mind always knows the real truth.

So here I am, stressing over the drama that will ensue due to missing my usual Mondays, but beyond all that, actually being highly productive.

In a conversation with a co-worker over the anxiety I am feeling for my lack of presence today, he said to me, "Tiger Wood's Ya'll"...."don't worry about being stuck there and just hit your next shot where you are".

He's absolutely right. Getting so caught up in your situation; worry about what you CAN'T do because of your situation, will distract you from what you really CAN do. How brilliant and eye opening is that? If you quit being self-centered and stressing over what's going wrong, you'll forget to check out what you can make go right. Hard work is hard work, and if you're a truly hard worker you will make it happen.

So for today, forget it, forget it all. Get yourself down to the bare-bones truth and necessity of the situation.

Cheers!