Long Time Coming

Property of Leighann Kowalsky. All Rights Reserved.

The following is an account that has been a long time in the works. A long time bouncing around within the confines of my skull, taking on different shapes and words and rolling over the hills and leaps and bounds of emotion that each message takes before coming out through my finger tips and into this little cyber diary. What an image, right? Well in my head it's this silver shining light, but not like the light we all see when we die...more like the light you picture being on the lining of a dark cloud...that little slice of innocent hope, of pure, agape love. It curls around in these perfect little shapes, kind of like holding a curly fry up in the air and letting it naturally bounce down and hang there, the tendrils of my mind. It's like a child's night light...always there reminding you where you are when you wake up in a tantrum of sweat and ill unconscious dreams. I'm so scared to share this with you.

As much as I can, I try to understand why I do things. Why I think certain ways, why I behave certain ways. Why I fear what I fear, love what I love, you get the idea. But love is this little taboo emotion that I'm honestly very afraid of.

The fear is because I know that when I do fall in love, I will change irrevocably. I will be completely transformed and there will be no going back. It's a huge leap to take, and I'm so excited, so eager, so intimidated, and honestly afraid.

It's because I want my "one" to be my first everything. My first hike to climb up and see 5 states at the same time. My first passionate kiss in the rain. My first food fight in the kitchen after late night baking. I want every memory to be with my One. And I just simply don't want to share my memories with anyone else. I want to be able to lie in his arms and say, "nope, I've never done that before".

I read a book once that said every man you're ever with will stay in your memory forever. And honestly, I don't want to think of anyone else, even for a second, when I'm with my One. I don't want the memory of someone else to pop into my brain if I do something similar with my One. I want to write our story on clean paper, not paper with eraser marks and sketches and old news.

Giving someone all of you, becoming someone's other half is an ordeal. A process and not something to be taken lightly. I refuse to give any part of myself to anyone but him. Is that wrong?

He is a tall order, this One that I want. But he's out there, and I pray for him every day. I know it's selfish but I pray he's saving memories for me too.

Learning Daily

Property of Leighann Kowalsky. All Rights Reserved.

So I wrapped my head around a quality I've found within myself. I've yet to determine whether I admire or dislike said quality, but either way I am now moving forward, learning to embrace it; learning how to deal with it.

It has to do with men, which is sadly an overblogged, but under-understood category in a woman's life and it is disappointing to see the cliches and beginners mistakes being made over and over.

But I'm one of those beginners. And honestly we're all just trying to understand. To prepare, to protect, and to live.

It's usually pretty typical to put men into one of two categories. The one's that make it known that they care about the future and expect you in it. Examples include making plans far in the future, suggesting "life together" or hinting at you being present for an event years in the future. As intimidating and stupid as this description sounds, I can count on two hands the number of men who were thanking me, their darling wife, in their acceptance speech for the Nobel Peace Prize. Yes. Not kidding.

The second style of man is he who has no care at all for the future, pretends you don't exist, but is completely see-through in the long run. The kind who sweats and cringes for two days in between texting you just to be sure they're not being clingy and irritating. Good boy. BUT, why is it that I hate you, too?

Both of these categories are royal paints in the tucus, and I flee from both. But what is the in between? When dealing with Door Number 1, I find I'm wishing he was behaving like Door Number 2 and vice versa. Is it him? or is it really just me? IS there a happy balance anywhere? The man who internalizes his imagined future with me, but pretends life is fleeting? Does he even exist?

The more time I spend defining my romantic life; what I want, what I expect, how I act, and how he should act, the more I find I have an awfully tall order for a man. Hello sir, are you out there?

Habits

Sure, five years without riding a bike can feel like no time gone by at all once you get back into that seat. Same with alot of things; cooking, cleaning, crafts and habits.

With people, unfortunately, things just don't happen the same way.

I spent nearly every evening for two years with a boy who smelled like leather and horses. My dad and grandfather smelled like leather and horses. Talk about home sweet home. Although not entirely involved in a romantic sense, there was certainly "feelings" present beyond our best-friendship. We were eachothers, and I hoped it'd last. He's the first person, and only person I've met that I could call for anything, anytime; whether a shoulder to cry on or to help change a tire, and OH how I loved that security blanket.

After a strange falling out based on mis-communication and a jealous third party, we didn't speak for just over 2 years. And upon a hesitant reuniting recently, we found ourselves falling back into the same patterns that we had so lovingly relished in previously.

It was so easy to give my heart back over. To feel protected and secure again. To drink up the idea that my best friend was back, and we could retreat back to OUR time in OUR life.

Then he disappeared again. Poof, out of nothing. I thought I was the only one who could disappear out of someones life without so much as a trace. And there I was left standing once again, i felt like a 4 year old crying on the back porch in my nightgown. Gone.

I can jump back on a bike and ride no problem, sure. But you can't jump back into a friendship. or a relationship. or any sort of emotionally charged situation and not expect flaw. The two years spent apart? We walked away, with our backs facing eachother, and when I turned around two years later, nobody was there.

Loneliness

Property of Leighann Kowalsky. All Rights Reserved

Let's explore the term "alone" and the meaning behind the word "Loneliness".
There is without a doubt a negative connotation that I'd like to inhibit when it comes to applying it to my current emotions.

Any definition of these words will attest to that negativity, which is all well and good, but I for some reason am perfectly satiated as such. I thought that perhaps I had the wrong word in my head. Search synonyms. Wrong again, all have negative connotations.

Here's what I'm feeling, perhaps you can help me frame it, if in fact my alone-ness is simply not the right adjective.

I'm living alone now, apart from family. For the first time in my adult life I crave going "home". I am in solitude there, and I enjoy it. Quiet, peaceful, resting in my thoughts. Why is it that this typically bitter "alone" is so comforting?

So is that wrong? If alone-ness means "unhappy" (thank you dictionary) then is that wrong? Am I wrong?