Property of Leighann Kowalsky. All Rights Reserved.The following is an account that has been a long time in the works. A long time bouncing around within the confines of my skull, taking on different shapes and words and rolling over the hills and leaps and bounds of emotion that each message takes before coming out through my finger tips and into this little cyber diary. What an image, right? Well in my head it's this silver shining light, but not like the light we all see when we die...more like the light you picture being on the lining of a dark cloud...that little slice of innocent hope, of pure, agape love. It curls around in these perfect little shapes, kind of like holding a curly fry up in the air and letting it naturally bounce down and hang there, the tendrils of my mind. It's like a child's night light...always there reminding you where you are when you wake up in a tantrum of sweat and ill unconscious dreams. I'm so scared to share this with you.
As much as I can, I try to understand why I do things. Why I think certain ways, why I behave certain ways. Why I fear what I fear, love what I love, you get the idea. But love is this little taboo emotion that I'm honestly very afraid of.
The fear is because I know that when I do fall in love, I will change irrevocably. I will be completely transformed and there will be no going back. It's a huge leap to take, and I'm so excited, so eager, so intimidated, and honestly afraid.
It's because I want my "one" to be my first everything. My first hike to climb up and see 5 states at the same time. My first passionate kiss in the rain. My first food fight in the kitchen after late night baking. I want every memory to be with my One. And I just simply don't want to share my memories with anyone else. I want to be able to lie in his arms and say, "nope, I've never done that before".
I read a book once that said every man you're ever with will stay in your memory forever. And honestly, I don't want to think of anyone else, even for a second, when I'm with my One. I don't want the memory of someone else to pop into my brain if I do something similar with my One. I want to write our story on clean paper, not paper with eraser marks and sketches and old news.
Giving someone all of you, becoming someone's other half is an ordeal. A process and not something to be taken lightly. I refuse to give any part of myself to anyone but him. Is that wrong?
He is a tall order, this One that I want. But he's out there, and I pray for him every day. I know it's selfish but I pray he's saving memories for me too.
As much as I can, I try to understand why I do things. Why I think certain ways, why I behave certain ways. Why I fear what I fear, love what I love, you get the idea. But love is this little taboo emotion that I'm honestly very afraid of.
The fear is because I know that when I do fall in love, I will change irrevocably. I will be completely transformed and there will be no going back. It's a huge leap to take, and I'm so excited, so eager, so intimidated, and honestly afraid.
It's because I want my "one" to be my first everything. My first hike to climb up and see 5 states at the same time. My first passionate kiss in the rain. My first food fight in the kitchen after late night baking. I want every memory to be with my One. And I just simply don't want to share my memories with anyone else. I want to be able to lie in his arms and say, "nope, I've never done that before".
I read a book once that said every man you're ever with will stay in your memory forever. And honestly, I don't want to think of anyone else, even for a second, when I'm with my One. I don't want the memory of someone else to pop into my brain if I do something similar with my One. I want to write our story on clean paper, not paper with eraser marks and sketches and old news.
Giving someone all of you, becoming someone's other half is an ordeal. A process and not something to be taken lightly. I refuse to give any part of myself to anyone but him. Is that wrong?
He is a tall order, this One that I want. But he's out there, and I pray for him every day. I know it's selfish but I pray he's saving memories for me too.
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