The truth is

The truth is, I gave my heart away a long time ago. My whole heart. And I never really got it back.

You always hear people warning young people not to fall in love too quickly; not to give their heart to the first person that smiles at them. "Wise man said....."

How naive am I? Not only did I give it away at...say...age 7...

But I didn't even give it to a someONE. I gave it to a someTHING. a someFEELING.

The love of my life is something untangible. I can't kiss him. I can't hold his hand. I can't lay next to him and daydream under the sunlight seeping in from the window on a lazy sunday afternoon.

And that's why I try to fill that whole with millions of someones.

I got my heart broken. The only thing more unstable than a young girl falling for the first young man she meets, is a young girl falling for something that can't hold her back.

In typing this out...I keep wanting to describe this something as "something that doesn't have a heartbeat". "Something with no blood in it's veins". "Something that can't love me back".

But it wouldn't be accurate to describe it that way. Because it absolutely has a heartbeat. And mine became one with it. Every beat of that music.....matched the flow of the blood racing through my veins, which is where that something lived. It loved me back...it loved me back and it gave me everything it had. It created me, it taught me how to grow up, taught me how to live, taught me how to be a friend, a sister, a woman.

And when it ripped itself out of my life, I found that it had become a very large part of who I was, what my soul was made up of. And when it was gone....so was I.

So who am I kidding, pretending I'm protecting myself and saving my love for someone. Making the order a tall one so that I'll have an excuse when it's never filled. It's because there is no love left...there is no heart left.